At the risk of quoting way too long of a chunk, this post by Hailey Paige Magee is just too good not to share.
How does blaming my partner for their emotional patterns give me a false sense of control?
Might dissecting my partners’ perceived problems relieve me of the work of addressing my own problems?
How am I attributing fault to my partner without taking responsibility for my role in this relational dynamic? What IS my role in this relational dynamic? How am I knowingly or unknowingly perpetuating our relational cycles?
These questions are more productive and empowering because we cannot change other people. No matter how much we dissect, read about, or pathologize their behavior, we cannot make them change.
When we over-focus on our partners’ psychology, we under-focus on ourselves: what we need, how we’re acting, what contributions we’re making to the relational pattern, and more. These are the items that are truly within our control — and as such, the only items we can actually change.
Judgments are like farts – despite your best efforts they can’t be held in forever. You may feel bad that you’re being “harsh” about your partner, but eventually, the smell of what you “really” think becomes undeniably foul. No amount of emotionally counterfeit air freshener can cover the crime.
I put “harsh” and “really” in scare quotes because there’s a huge amount of inner discernment needed to differentiate between the stories which describe cold, hard reality and the ones that come from misunderstanding our partners. I can’t tell you which one you’re doing. That is the wisdom of discernment borne out of the school of hard knocks.
When we blame, shame, insult, or otherwise engender harm with our words we are really saying “The real you isn’t nearly as beautiful as my egoic projection of how I would have you act. My ideal of you is prettier than you are. I’m settled/trapped/oppressed by this disappointing real you. You’re spoiling the pretty imaginary family portrait I want over our imaginary three-story villa in the south of France. Why won’t you put this mask on and be daddy’s/mommy’s good boy?”
“Why. Won’t. You. Get. With. The Program?”
How many people would want to hear “you aren’t as attractive as the others I fantasize about in my head” from our partner? Yet, we rake them over the coals with just as hot of a rake when we judge them for not being as good as the imaginary partner we wish they were. Most of us have the sense not to say hurtful things about each other’s appearance. That kindness sometimes doesn’t extend further than that, though.
So what do you do? You can’t hold in the fart and you can’t let it out either?
You can’t edit out this part of yourself that’s being “harsh.” I’m not suggesting you attempt an exorcism or surgical energetic removal. I’ve yet to see such an attempt go well. There’s always at least a 2% truth in what the harsh part of you wants you to take a serious look at, so go on look at it.
Maybe that uncomfortable truth is that you’ve chosen a partner that’s truly not ever going to meet you as you need and want. If that’s the case, that imagined family portrait needs to have someone else’s body and face in it. If you let yourself focus on your own growth, one day like baby teeth the partnership will loosen and you’ll finally pull it – finding that it hurt way less than you thought it would.
“We deepen our healing when we stop dissecting our partners' avoidance, narcissism, or emotional unavailability and begin asking ourselves why we pursue people who cannot care for us in the ways that we need.”
Regardless of whether you two are indeed aligned for the long-term, the blame and judgment game can stop. You don’t have to know how it will turn out to turn towards yourself and choose yourself. It may be that you will grow and your partner will grow and your roots and vines may wind even more beautifully to support each other.
It has to stop if we are going to have a prayer of seeing each other when we most need to. In times as trying as these, we certainly need it now.
dragon musings : 2-card spread
I like to contemplate that in every present moment there is a being and a becoming. Being describes how the past comes to meet and touch the present. Becoming describes how the future is unfurling and supporting us as we move forward.
What’s a situation now that is either rapidly evolving or conversely is stuck and wants to get unstuck? Draw two cards to reveal clarity.
1: BEING – What has the past taught me about this situation?
2: BECOMING – How can I be a good ancestor to my future self?