Coordinates: in my kitchen with tethered internet (No, I still don’t have a functional modem…)
To clearly illustrate the point of resentment, I am giving an intentionally extreme example. We’ll get into the gray area in coming editions, so stay tuned.
By this time I’ve surely lived several nominations for the best leading lady in a drama. Some days of my life are more like movies.
Today was.
Imagine a camera mounted on a drone. Through its fly-eye you see me climbing down a black ladder onto the roof terrace. It descends to the next floor and peers in through the living room window as I light three small candles. I stand and carry one with me. I burn sage.
Through the kitchen terrace, it sees me waving the smoke across the doorway and chanting “boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.” I repeat this in all three bedrooms, the bathroom, and most especially – the front door.
What happened to cause all this? Well, sometime this last week the sink got stopped up. I asked my landlady if she could send a plumber. She scheduled one, but wouldn’t tell me the cost or allow me to schedule at an appropriate time for me. She insisted I must pay the unspecified cost.
In the meantime, I bought $10 of supplies from the grocery store and fixed it myself.
Also in the meantime, she nearly gave herself quite a real panic by making up an entirely fictional catastrophe. She made up that the problem was very serious and that floor was going to have to be broken up to fix this. I honestly have no idea what spiraled her into this and didn’t bother to ask. (It wouldn’t have been productive.) I knew she was looping in fear stories that had nothing to do with me.
In our texts back and forth, she threw some familiar shame hooks out to grab me. “You’re not composing yourself well and aren’t taking care of the property.” Nope, I’m not getting snagged by that. I know I haven’t done anything out of bounds. I didn’t respond to these accusations.
Sidenote: The easiest way to deal with shaming like this is to let the hooks fly on by. Don’t respond or acknowledge the comment. Above all, don’t get defensive. This tactic is not appropriate in all situations, but you’d be surprised how often it works a charm. We’ll cover this in much more detail when we get to the Narcissist versus Empath polarity.
She threw the next hook – “You have to pay for this.” No, my pocketbook is mine. She may make demands all day long, but I CANNOT forget that the choice is mine. My money is one of the biggest if not *the* biggest leverage points in material reality.
She literally said, “I won’t accommodate your schedule.” Well, honey, you can’t force me to accommodate yours either. I cannot forget that my time is also a hugely powerful leverage point. I’ll make arrangements to not be here at 8 a.m. tomorrow to meet and pay for the plumber that I don’t want and don’t need.
Note: I didn’t have anything “official” on the books for 8 a.m. and part of me thought “oh, just meet him and get it over with. It can’t be *that* expensive, can it?”
Here’s the deal – my mornings are sacred time for me. I don’t have anything on the calendar because I protect this time. I intentionally don’t have appointments then.
This is my time. I write. I paint. I take the time to cook a healthy breakfast. I sing. I pray. I do whatever the hell I desire. Without this protection, aka without these boundaries, I get nothing of mine done. Worst of all, I lose all of me. I lose my joy, my energy, and my aliveness.
I ask myself “Am I manipulating her?” Some part of me is afraid I’m lying by saying I’m not available at 8 a.m. I’ve come to know that I’m not lying by protecting my time. Instead, I’m refusing to disempower myself. If you’re new to setting your boundaries where they really are, it can feel like you’re being an asshole.
You’re not.
Here’s what a recovering people pleaser (me) has had to come to know – disempowering myself is a devil’s bargain. To give her what she’s demanding, I would have to betray my own being. I would be angry and resentful. This then rots down into becoming a passive-aggressive asshole, which is even worse than a regular asshole.
There’s no space for me to be compassionate and graceful when I’m resentful and angry.
People pleasing is at odds with grace.
“Why can’t I just get over this?” Well, I just can’t. I’m not gonna. When I check with my body, I’m sure of it.
My fearful self says “take the high road.” People pleasing isn’t the high road though, it’s the ego counterfeit of it. When you’re early in the healing of people pleasing, it can be hard to tell the difference between the two. The raw sensation of what you feel in your body and heart tells you everything. You know damn well what tightens and constricts your chest, belly, or throat – you’re just trying to ignore the signs pointing in the direction of the courage to speak up for yourself.
Well, stop it. Stop ignoring the signals you’re getting.
At first, you might be doing SO DAMN MUCH people pleasing that when you apply this filter of “what is my resentment telling me?” that you realize it’s your entire life. It’s imminently possible for you to seemingly resent your whole life.
If this is you, today’s your lucky day.
Today’s the day you find out that you really want to do something with your one precious life, and this ain’t it. It’s a bit of dark luck, don’t get me wrong, but stay with me a minute longer. It gets much, much better.
So back to me climbing down from the roof.
I was on the roof because my landlady showed up unannounced at my door and banged loudly at the exact minute I was scheduled to be on a call with a dear friend. I almost caved in and answered the door, but because the universe gave me that reminder that I had other places to be, I decided to take refuge on the roof instead.
That’s how I ended up hiding out with the birds avoiding her.
I literally tiptoed down fifteen minutes later to see if it was all clear. And hell no, I was NOT about to answer the door and confront her. I wasn’t about to get sucked into defending myself or falling all over myself apologizing as is my tendency in stressful situations. I might’ve even caved in and agreed to pay for the plumber. She can be forceful, that lady.
Was it awkward as hell? Yes. Did I text my assistant and freak out? Yes and yes.
Sometimes setting boundaries isn’t pretty. Let’s be honest, it’s nearly never pretty with certain people who make demands to the degree that my landlady did. She literally invaded my home. This tells you way more about the boundary-pusher than it does about you.
Even when I have to do things in a messy-as-hell way, I still can’t and won’t take her trauma in *just* to smooth things out.
Even as awkward as it was for a minute there, I still held onto my connection to grace. That’s how you can tell the small self’s version of the “high road.” The real high road leaves me still able to feel my love for her. In this space, I can remind myself that sometimes she’s lovely. I can accept that today wasn’t that day. On the real high road, I remember how to have compassion for her. That’s real grace.
I won’t share her private details, but what little I do know of her life tells me she’s suffering extra much this week. When I step into grace I can see that usually, she’s not like this. However, I can’t heal her by taking her suffering into my emotions and body. It’s not mine.
If I had allowed myself to people please her by paying for the plumber I didn’t need or want, I would’ve eaten her suffering and belched up resentment. I didn’t, and I’m proud of myself.
If you find yourself out on a ledge one day, know I’ve been there with you. I send you blessing from my ledge to yours, and anyways, we can have a smoke break up here and listen to the birds sing. It’s not so bad.
Trust me, you’ll feel much better on the other side if you meet this in a new way. I have to warn you though – In the immediate aftermath of setting the boundary, there’s sometimes invasive behavior to one degree or another. It gets worse before it gets better, but just beyond that, you’re a more empowered you.
Guess what? She canceled the plumber.
Is this an allegory for you to replicate? No, I’m sure I didn’t handle this the most perfect and optimal way. The key here, however, is to allow yourself to do things for the sake of re-empowering yourself that might be messy and awkward. That’s 100% ok. It has to be ok because that’s just how it’s gonna be sometimes.
Grace is what happens when we’re in an honest mess. When you trust in that, it’s safe to let yourself risk making messes.
Stay tuned for the rest of this thrilling series. I’ll cover what happened next very soon. Because of course, there’s gotta be more to this story. Did you think we would leave our heroine hiding up on rooftops from the scary landlady? No, there’s more empowerment to come…
Until then,
Cris and Team Dragon